


I Can’t Lie, I Love You Still.

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, I can’t help myself, Post Season 5, inspired by all again by fifth harmony, i’m emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-07-27 09:59:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16216694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: “I’d do this all over again, if it meant going back to the way we used to be.”OR, season 6 bellarke speculation.





	I Can’t Lie, I Love You Still.

**Author's Note:**

> “But every kiss, every breath, this moment, I’ll do it all again.”
> 
> Inspired by ‘All Again’ by Fifth Harmony. Buckle up folks.

From the second she had ran back into her tent, Clarke knew she shouldn’t of. It happened anyways, but every single pair of eyes was on her before she even realized what she had done. 

It was too much to handle, she was already crying yet somehow, the warmth that came from the tears that cascaded down her cheeks was comforting. It was too late to stitch her sown heart back together, and definitely past the due time to want Bellamy for her own. 

She hated every second of it. The longing, the pain that came when she saw Echo interlock their fingers as the firelight cackled and brightened. She hated how Echo’s hand held Bellamy’s head close to her chest, how she could probably feel his heart beat going slow because they were comfortable like that.

It didn’t feel like a hundred and thirty years had passed, it still felt like the same agonizing six years without the people she cared about. Without Bellamy, and _god_ how much that stung.  No amount of time could take away how much she remembered. That’s what hurts the most, knowing that Clarke could feel when Bellamy’s heart would quicken and soothes when they’d hold eachother. 

There’s a reason why the past isn’t talked about. It holds too much pain.

Clarke runs away from her problems, she always does. That’s why she bit her tongue so hard and forced herself to look away when Bellamy’s fingers grazed the crown of her forehead. Her body was aflame with something she never experienced, something only he could do for her.

Right then, in a world that’s quite different from the rest, she can’t focus on talking to Miller when Echo and Bellamy are sharing a moment that clearly doesn’t involve her, and Bellamy will never hold her like that. 

She fell in love too late. 

She blames every vein in her heart, hating how she couldn’t realize sooner. It was so hard to move on, when everyone she loved died. Clarke never had someone she loved that loved somebody else. 

She didn’t have anyone to comfort her. 

Madi was still in space, so was Raven. 

She doesn’t trust anybody like she trusts Bellamy out of the people who came down with her, and that’s already a rocky road since their relationship wasn’t completely steady either. She could count on one hand how many times her heart broke when she fought with Bellamy. 

One of her hands reach out to grab whatever was closest to her, and it was a desk table. The other was held against her mouth, trying to muffle her sobs. 

She’d seen them kiss, hug and say goodbye but she never wants to understand why the image of Bellamy’s head in his _girlfriend’s_ neck broke her in half and caused her to feel the way she does. It was intimate, personal and invading. She knew about Gina back in Arkadia, but never experienced how close they were before she died. Maybe if she hadn’t run away the first time, she would have Bellamy first. 

Clarke doesn’t know what to do, her hands are shaking against the table still and she’s confused and blinded by tears. 

 _She can’t have him_. She can’t hold him like Echo can, she’ll never get to hug him like she did when she realized she wasn’t seeing a ghost after six years. 

She’s never fallen back in love so fast, but it takes a few seconds to realize that if you’re really in love with someone, it doesn’t ever go away. It fades with time, but the minute you get the person back, it explodes with an urge nobody can explain. 

That’s how she feels. 

She can’t help herself, so she whispers out to whoever’s listening in the air around her. “ _You bring him back to me and I can’t even have him?_ ”

Clarke likes to believe that people deserve second chances, after all, she got multiple after thinking she would be better off in a grave. But, knowing that Echo put a sword to Bellamy’s throat and was now holding his body so close....she fought herself on trying to understand. 

She’s wiping the endless tears off her face, relief filling her when she hears the voices hushed and that meant she was really alone. Just like old times. 

“Clarke?” 

She stops breathing, the voice on the other side was muffled and concerned. She tries to convince herself that it was Jackson, because she doesn’t know what she would physically do if it wasn’t. 

“Who is it?” She asks urgently, not daring to turn around. 

Clarke hears their feet shuffle in the grass, she knows how it sounds like. She used to watch that stuff grow and hear Madi’s little feet run across the Valley. 

It’s like his voice is right on the other side of her tent flap, so close. “Do I really need to say it, or explain myself?” 

Of course, he would hear her crying on the outside. She should’ve held herself together more, if only she would’ve lasted a few more seconds—

“I heard you, Clarke.” 

Her head is shaking back and forth, she tries to convince herself it’s absolutely nothing. “It’s nothing, don’t worry yourself like the old Bellamy would. It’s not worth it.” 

 “If it’s worth nothing, then it’s worth something...come on...”

Bellamy urges, and then suddenly Clarke is trying her best to keep her balance when her head starts spinning again. It’s all thoughts of him, and how much he wants to make sure she’s okay. 

She can’t let him do that. She can’t let herself let him in. It’s _too late, like it always is._

 “I’m fine, _please_ don’t...don’t make me open that.”  

Clarke begs, her voice is raspy, filled with emotion and tears in her eyes. It’s so hard to fight against your own instincts. 

How would she explain her situation if everything she feels angry about is about him? 

“Just tell me, are you alright?” 

Since she knew most things about him and how he acts, she notices when his breathing gets heavy. 

Her ears feel numb, and she thinks that’s why she doesn’t hear her tent flap open on it’s own. “ _Bellamy_ , you don’t need to wor—“

She turns abruptly, but then sees him standing in front of her. She stumbles on her feet, but she clutches the table. 

“I don’t need to worry? When you look and feel like this?” He gestures to her red eyes, and sorrow of her voice. 

He shouldn’t worry about anything that concerns her, Clarke wants to say. But she doesn’t, because her heart gave up on her and is beating so fast, she doesn’t know what to say to keep up. 

“It’s none of your business.” 

Bellamy’s chest caves with heavy breathing and shock written on his face that makes his jaw drop. (He has to internally punch himself in the gut to prevent his hands from reaching out and cupping her sad face.) 

“You got up and _left_ , when we specifically told everyone to stay together because this is a new planet. How is it not my business when it involves my partner?” 

Clarke could feel the tears well up again and she really doesn’t want to speak. 

Although, she knows she has to in order to get him out of here and back with Echo. He needs her, not Clarke. 

“You already have a partner, Bellamy. And she’s better than I am.” 

“Wha—Who are you even talking about?” 

It’s her turn to be shocked, “I just figured that your girlfriend should be the one that you confide in the most.” 

Bellamy’s hand slicks back into his hair because how can she forget how important she is to him?

“What’s this about?” 

Clarke can’t look at him, she knows she can’t unless she wants to burst into tears after escaping so many times. She wants to focus on the semi-open flap that gives her a view of the night, but his stare was so intense that she felt the need to keep it. 

“I’m not explaining myself, so I think you could leave now.” 

She thinks she got him, when he’s silent as her own thoughts and won’t move closer to her body that she knows is trembling. After he’s gone, she’ll be able to comfort herself with a few more tears and heartache. 

It was the carefully written plan, but when she finally looks him in the eyes and sees how dark brown they are, she flashes back to the first time they did that. The first time they looked into eachother’s eyes and realized how important they’d be to eachother. 

But this time, it wasn’t about surviving. 

It was about love, something the both of them don’t think they deserved. Something Clarke can’t have. 

Her hand covers her mouth again, way too afraid to let anything slip pass her lips. But she needs him away from her. 

“Leave me alone, just go.” 

“Is that what you want?” 

Clarke wants to say yes with everything she has, but she doesn’t say anything because she knows she would say no. 

She knows she’ll say something along the lines of _of course not_ , or _I want you to stay._

It’s only because of distrust, that she nods her head quickly. Maybe if she orders him to do something, he’ll listen like the partner he was for her. 

After all, he called them partners not the other way around. 

Bellamy isn’t convinced, he’ll never be when she acts like this. He could still feel her head on his shoulder, her tears staining his shirt instead of her cheeks like they are right now. He could still feel his own heart ache, but he had no idea how much her heart was breaking. There was a hidden meaning behind choosing to console her after finding out Monty had sacrificed himself for them. She was always _it_ for him, and a reminder of the hell they went through...it changed them again. 

He isn’t stupid, he knows that she’s holding back. However, he’s not going to allow himself to break Echo’s heart just because he’s confused and trying to pick up the pieces that Clarke always mends for him. 

He can’t have her either. 

Bellamy doesn’t move, his feet are planted in the dirt of Clarke’s tent because he desperately wants to know the reason behind her sudden outburst. 

He can’t tell the difference between anything that revolves around Clarke anymore, and he blames the cruel fate of their story. Everybody knew it was supposed to be Clarke and Bellamy, the princess and the knight, the co-leaders of delinquents. It just made sense. 

It was a hard lesson to learn, to recognize the fault of consequences. Saving his own life faulted in the life he would’ve shared with her. It’s all gone, the possibility and waiting around. He can’t do that anymore. 

“It’s not what you want, is it?” Bellamy tests the waters between them, dipping his feet into her ocean of thoughts. “Do you want me to stay? You could talk to me.” 

It might’ve been easier to accept the offer if it wasn’t so long ago. 

Bellamy’s nodding his head to get her to focus on him, but he’s walking closer now. He can’t control his heart or his head right then, he needed her to be okay. No matter what it was. 

Clarke sets her hands out in front of her to create a barrier between them, and a single tear falls. He’s pushing into her closed walls, pleading for entry that she wants to access to him, but would break herself to prevent him from opening again. 

“ _Stop please,_ Idon’tneed you to touch me.” Clarke begs, her eyes are filled with tears as she tries to look at him. “Get away from me, I-I....” She’s trying to shuffle backwards but the table is in the way and she can’t. “ _Bellamy_ , I don’t _want_ you here.” 

Clarke’s breathing is rigid, like she can’t believe she just said that. She feels a small victory of relief when he comes to a halt, but it’s gone so fast when there’s a sadness in his eyes. She could tell, especially when he dips his head to the side and the brown in his eyes is lighter in the moonlight. They would always change color when he was angry or sad, and Clarke can’t believe he still does it.

It’s the Bellamy she knew, the one she would’ve done anything for. The one she would’ve died to protect, he was the guy that she always went to. Her heart sinks to her chest everytime she thinks about it. 

Bellamy’s voice is small and fragile when he speaks, “So you’re just going to sulk in here alone?” 

Her fingers loosen the grip on the wooden edge, even if she can’t feel it. 

“That’s what I always do, you know that.” 

Then, his voice gets louder but it can’t mask the hoarseness in the back of his throat. “But you’re not by yourself now!” 

Clarke argues back and there’s more tears rolling down her face. He didn’t know how she felt, he didn’t take the time to ask. She didn’t have time to explain. 

“It’s been six years, what do you want me to do? _Thank you_ for the time you’ve so kindly dedicated for me?“ 

(She gets so angry, that she doesn’t notice the space between them get smaller.) 

Bellamy shifts on his feet, he’s holding back a few tears of his own. That realization hit him in the depths of his chest, he hasn’t been paying enough attention. 

“That’s a joke right?” 

Clarke stops him, trying to cough to prevent a sob from the back of her throat. It’s so difficult to stop crying right now. “You wanna know what I think is a joke?” She pauses to wipe her face with the back of one of her shaky hands. “You pretending to care about me when a few minutes ago, you were wrapped up in your girlfriend’s arms and when I leave the room, you leave her and come to see me and ask what’s wrong!” 

Bellamy doesn’t waste time staying in shock, but his jaw locks as he walks closer until they’re in front of eachother. 

Clarke knows he’s upset, his shoulders are tense and he’s breathing heavy through his nose. She could only tell because she feels the same way, with tears down her face and everything around them is nonexistent. It’s just her and Bellamy, two people who are angry with eachother. 

“Why are your hands shaking, is it because you’re that upset with me?” 

His left hand is flat against her’s and it makes her stiffen, he’s never done that before. But he’s so close to her, when he shouldn’t be. 

Clarke stutters, “You can’t do that, you can’t just—“ 

Bellamy isn’t teasing her, he’s just anxious and waiting for her to answer him fully. He’s sad, he wants her to see that. 

“I can’t do what?” He asks.

Clarke takes a deep breath, shamelessly letting it exhale on his face since he’s so close but he doesn’t even flinch. “You shouldn’t touch me, don’t do it again.” 

Those words only make him grasp onto her hand a bit tighter, “I _used_ to mean so much to you, we used to be able to trust eachother with our lives,” Bellamy’s voice get’s shallow and gentle. “What the hell happened to that?” 

“That was before Praimfaya, before you went back to space..” Clarke argues, her gaze switching from his beard to the pieces of hair framing his forehead. 

“So what happened after I came back? I feel like I can’t even get through to you anymore. _Shit_...Clarke you left me to die in Polis with my sister.” Bellamy says, and Clarke has to look away before she sees the wetness on his face. 

“It was to protect Madi, you know that Bellamy. She’s all I have.” 

He moves his hand away, but his voice is enough to give her chills. “Do you not understand how much that hurts me? I lived my life for six years agonizing the idea of waking up everyday because I thought you were dead, and how much you deserved to be alive.” 

Clarke feels her walls starting to crumble and she won’t be able to hold herself back for much longer, he’s starting to look a bit broken himself. She doesn’t want to be the one to fix him, that’s not her job...not anymore. She can’t be the only one to understand him. 

She finally moves away, slipping past his close proximity. Clarke feels like she could breath again, but the emotions are still there. He wants to break her barriers down, and she’s too afraid to believe that he’s so willing. 

“I know exactly how you feel” She mumbles. 

“Are you sure? Because there’s a whole lot of emotions that we’re both bottling up right now, and we have no clue how eachother feels!” Bellamy’s eyes narrow at her, knowing what he’s doing. 

She can’t keep playing this back and forth game with him, the truth needs to be told. She needs to break in order for him to leave her pieces, she’ll make sure he does leave her alone. 

They lock eyes, her icy blue eyes find his darker ones and that’s all it takes. She’s a goner indefinitely, she’s all his. 

“You wanna know how I feel?” 

Bellamy scoffs, “It’s not like I’ve been pleading for you to do that since I walked in.” 

Clarke ignored his comment and cleared her throat, she can’t lose everything she’s worked so hard to keep together, not when she finally has the push to tell him. 

“It hurts me to see you with her, every single time. I want you to be so happy Bellamy, I’ve always wanted that for you...I swear.” Clarke starts, her hands lifted slightly to surrender in a way. Of course she wants that for him. She immediately notices how his whole body language changes, his shoulders loosen and he swallows hard. 

She continues, “But _God_...I wanted that to be me for the longest time.” She walks backwards until she’s hitting something and leans back with her head in the palm of her hands. Clarke’s heart was pounding and her head was spinning, she never expected she’ll be able to say that to him outloud. 

“This is about Echo and I?” Bellamy repeats, but there’s something in his voice that breaks. After all this time, he never expected to hear those words aloud either. He’s waited so long to hear that she wants him, and only him. But he can’t be with her, not when he still cares for Echo. She’s his girlfriend of three years and it’ll betray the both of them, but it still tears his heart open. 

How could it not. 

Clarke nods, her throat hurts with the lumps of tears she keeps trying to prevent. She doesn’t know where he is in the room, but he repeats himself. 

“Clarke...how long have you felt like this?” 

“You know the answer Bellamy.” 

Bellamy tries to decide what’s best to say to respond, because it scares him to realize how much they’ve wanted eachother. “And you couldn’t tell me sooner? Preferably in the lab all those damn years ago? When I was so close to going after you, but still listened to you?” 

Clarke lifts her head and Bellamy automatically steps forward because of her puffy eyes. “I already accepted the fact that I was going to die out there, you wouldn’t move on if I admitted my feelings for you and then burn alive.” 

Bellamy cringes, remembering the thought running the course in his mind too many times to count. She was right because a man cannot love a dead girl. 

But, he could love a girl with multiple flaws. That’s the comfort he found in Echo. The old Bellamy is scrambling in that moment to pick up his shattered heart and his full mind. 

Bellamy knows she’ll shout at him to go away if he steps any closer, knowing that he has a girlfriend who he should be a hundred percent dedicated to, but his mind is blank other than his feelings for Clarke. He still has them, every single thing he claims to have forgotten. 

Every feeling that used to get him punched, beaten, and yelled at for wanting to act on. It was always for her and it only took a hundred and thirty years, to know that she feels and experienced the exact same.  

Clarke slides down a nearby wall, hiding her face in the palm of her hands. 

Bellamy walks closer until he’s stood right in front of her, his feet touching her’s. “Are you gonna talk to me?” 

He’s met with silence, and for some reason it lured him to the floor. Bellamy kneels down, resting his weight on one knee as his shaky left hand touches her leg. He finds a spot above the bend of her knee, and squeezes. 

“ _Clarke_ ,” She still doesn’t look up but that doesn’t stop him. “I think I should get a say in this too.” 

She hiccups, “You shouldn’t do that to yourself or me, and I know  _you_ Bellamy. I know how you felt, how we both felt about eachother.” 

Bellamy takes a deep breath, waiting for her to look up at him. God, now that’s all he wants for himself. She’s trying to save herself from his feelings, from his truth. 

If only he could convince her that he doesn’t need saving. His voice trembles because deep down, he knows how much it’ll hurt her in the end and that’s the absolute last thing he wants. 

“When I left you behind, I didn’t have a lot of hope that you’d survive. I hated myself for it because I wanted you to be alive, to be standing right next to you as we’d cry tears of joy because we escaped death for what seemed like the fifth time....but that didn’t happen.” Bellamy says, and he feels his heart tear open with the memory, with the imagination he once had. “— And leaving you behind, it changed me Clarke. I’m the new person that’s in front of you right now, desperately trying to reach out to a woman I know is still in there.” 

Clarke locks eyes with him, and that makes him lick his dry lips. She’s emotional too, and finds a bit of comfort in the way he’s looking at her because it makes the salt on her lips less defining. 

“So what you’re telling me is that you lost all hope of me being alive?” 

Bellamy nods, “Not to mention, but I lost the hope in my heart that I specifically held onto because I wanted you.” His eyes are watering, another tear falls. “I wanted you so much, and it hurt me just as bad.” 

Clarke feels an overwhelming amount of pain shoot into her heart, like she’d been stabbed. She didn’t want her to life to be this way, but she settled because she had Madi. She wanted to be with Bellamy, her friends, the people she fought with. 

But the world didn’t give her that, and it’s what makes her sob into the back of her hand. It was loud, and Bellamy closes his eyes to try and drown out their broken hearts, or her realization. 

“What were you gonna tell me?” Clarke asks suddenly, hating the power of her brain to settle on a specific memory. “On the beach in Polis, when I interrupted you?” 

Bellamy thinks back, he knows exactly what she’s talking about. 

_“Clarke if I don’t see you again, I just want—“ Bellamy pleads, his eyes narrowing down at her. He just has to say this outloud, to get his feelings out of the way before this death wave. He wants to say that he loves her, probably too much._

_He just doesn’t expect to get shot down before he had a chance to finish._

_“No...You will see me again.” Clarke states, her face determined and a gaze that could kill him if time didn’t get a chance to first._

Bellamy doesn’t answer, he doesn’t want to answer her. 

“Bellamy—“ 

“You don’t want me to tell you, and you already know exactly what I was going to tell you that afternoon. I haven’t forgotten it, and neither have you” He states, rubbing her skin softly. 

It was so easy to touch her, to feel her that he almost wants to say it outloud. 

Clarke regains herself, it’s small and short gasps for air that leave her alone in her mind. She wants to cry for eternity, because at least she won’t be able to look Bellamy in the eyes and know that he loves her the way she does with him. 

And she can’t have that. 

“You should go, Bellamy.” She decides. 

He’s a mix of emotions, from sad to understanding to a bit of anger. He should’ve known better. 

“Clarke, I wanna be here with you. I don’t want you to feel this way over me.” 

It’s like her ribcage wants to break open and bring her walls along with it. Her heart was already broken so what was the point of trying to let him fix it, especially when Echo has a permanent spot in his. He doesn’t love her anymore. 

Bellamy stares at her with wide eyes when she says, “I can’t help how I feel and neither can you, you don’t love me.” 

It’s so simplistic coming from her mouth that it makes his fingers tingle and his hand pulls away. 

“You don’t know that-“ 

“I know that even if you feel the same way right now, right in this moment in front of me, that you don’t love _just_ me.”

Her body goes electric when her hand slides into his hands, and she already knows it fits perfectly. 

The fight within Bellamy is something he can’t describe, he doesn’t know what to do or what to say to make this better. He knows he wants Clarke, he’s always wanted her but she’s right. He’s with someone else, and should be loyal and authentic to what they have. 

He needs time to figure out himself, but all he wants to do is figure out Clarke. 

Bellamy steps closer, a small gasp leaving his lips when she turns her head to not look at him. He grabs her wrist, pulling her against him. 

“I’ve always loved you,” He whispers although he tries to keep his voice from showing any emotion. “It was the ghosts in my head that told me I shouldn’t love a dead girl.” 

“Get out! Please just leave me.” 

Clarke tries to get out of his grasp, her chest feels heavy. 

Bellamy tries to sooth her the best he could, which results him in pulling away from her. Once and for all. With his eyes locked on her’s, glassy and emotionless, he starts to walk away. 

“I’d do this all over again, if it meant going back to the way we used to be.” 

Clarke turns around, unable to face him because what the hell was that supposed to mean, does he really not love her anymore? 

“So you could break my heart again?” 

Bellamy shuffled on his feet, afraid to walk up to her. He can’t argue with her. 

“So I could tell you _I love you_ and we could’ve been together sooner.” 

He walks out, and Clarke has a waterfall of tears down her face. She falls to the floor, on her knees but she hears something that makes him the one who left her. 

The zipper is closed on her tent, Bellamy closed it for her. She just knows that this is how their story ends, the pages are full and drawn, but she hates to admit that she’d do it all again too. 

A million times if she could. 


End file.
